IF IT SMELLS LIKE FISH, EAT ALL YOU WISH By: ZOMBIE 'TUNA' ZANE

Heya Dead End Horror Fans that look like Abe Lincoln and wear night vision goggles to spy on your neighbors! What’s good? Anyway, this post was supposed to come out last Friday, but as I said in yesterday’s post I was busy watching football and playing ESPN’s SFTC. (Streak for the Cash) What can I say? I have an addictive behavior.  But that’s another story for another day.

                                                              

                                                                               
But as far as today is concerned, I’m gonna be giving you my take on the movie, “Piranha 3D.” Have you seen this one yet? Fuck me! This thing is full of blood, boobs, and a shitload of cool fuckin’ actors. So, let’s stop the foreplay and get to today’s shit, yes?

“Piranha 3D” is a 2010 horror movie (and second remake) of the 1978 version. This one was directed by Alexandre Aja and was released in August of 2010. after you read this, you’re gonna wanna give this movie a look-see. Fuckin’ trust me. I’m a professional. You’ll fuckin’ love it.

                                                                  
Anyway, this move not only has a ton of gore and boobs, it also has a ton of cool fuckin actors in it. (Have I said fuck a lot?) Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Eli Roth, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd, and of course, Riley Steele. I mean this bastard is loaded! And by the way, if you don’t know who any of these actors are, fuck off outta here. I mean for real. Anywho, let’s got to the plot, yes?                                                                 

                                                                                     
THE PLOT: A whole shitload of man eating piranha are released form their underwater den after this earthquake splits open the bottom of Lake Havasu. Now all this is goes on during spring break. So what ya got now is a bunch of spring break people at a lake that’s loaded with these hungry little motherfuckers. Talk about a recipe for disaster right? And oh yeah, throw in a wet t-shirt contest hosted by Eli Roth, and you got some major fuckin’ carnage, boss.

                                                                
Now this is kinda a spoof of ‘Jaws.’ Ya got a mutilated body found by the town’s sheriff. (Shue) Ya got the sheriff wanting to close the lake due to the piranha-eaten body. But she can’t.  She can’t because the small town needs the revenue of the 20,000+ spring breakers who plan on spending the week there. See where I’m going with this? So, yeah, it’s like ‘Jaws,’ but it’s different. Fuckin’ Jaws’ is iconic and more serious. This is just a bloody, boob filled good time.      

                                                                                  
I gotta tell ya, I give this thing a solid 4.75 out of 5. I loved it! Fucking loved it! The cast, the music, the gore, the nekkidness. (and yes, I can spell the word nakedness) I just overall loved the hell out of this film. This is a must own for your horror collection. Seriously.

And by the way, I also heard that a sequel to this film is due out as well. “Piranha 3DD.” Now I hate fuckin’ sequels, but if the sequel is anything like this, I’m gonna be all about it. We’ll just have to wait and see.  I’ll keep you posted. And I think That Gary Busey is supposed to be in it so that’ll give it some cool points.

                                                                 

Well, I guess that about does it here. Be sure and see what Sasha’s got going on. I think she’s talking about a vampire movie that she just watched so you’ll wanna go see what she’s got doing. So until tomorrow, take care, stay a-scared, and I am out! Peace peace and Piranha grease!



                                                                               

SEVEN NIGHTS OF HOTTER THAN HELL HORROR by: Zombie Zane

HOT HOT AND MORE HOT! Zombie Zane here with you again coming live and direct from the glass furnace otherwise known as the motherfuckin’ seven six one oh seven. Seeing how summertime is upon us, I had a great idea for this week’s shit. What I’m gonna do is give you guys a list of seven horror films that have a heat/summer related theme. Why seven? Well, I just thought it’d be cool to give you a movie a night to watch. There are seven days in the week hence, seven movies. One a night. Neato mosquito! Ok, enough of this foreplay, let’s get to my horror-a-thon, yes?

ZOMBIE ZANE’S SEVEN NIGHTS OF HOT HORROR

For night numero-uno how about the film, "STAND BY ME." It’s a 1986 horror film adapted from Mr. Horror himself the great Stephen King. Not really a horror film, but it kicks ass and it’s my list and my rules. How could you not like Lard Ass? LARD ASS! LARD ASS! LARD ASS! The vomit scene is a classic! And the leeches on that kid’s ball sac is also a memorable scene. This film gets a solid 4.5 out of 5.

On night number two of this hotter than hell horrorfest, I highly recommend the film "LAKE PLACID." Nothing better than a huge croc running around eating people. And ya got sweet Betty White cussing out deputies. Not sure if this movie takes place in the summertime but it’s setting is by a lake (hence the title) so fuck yeah it makes the list. I mean isn’t the lake a popular summertime hangout? Anyway, this film is full of great one liners, good gory stuff and it’s just a downright fun watch. A solid 4 out of 5 on the Zombie scale.

This wouldn’t be a good list if I didn’t include this film for night number three so here goes. "FRIDAY THE 13^th." (1980) A classic summertime slasher flick. Nothing says summer like a trip out to Camp Crystal Lake, right? Written by Victor Miller and directed by Sean S. Cunningham, this film went on to spawn a dynasty and become one of the most profitable slasher films of all time. A 3 out of 5 for me.

Wanna go camping? Not me. Not after seeing the fourth movie of the week. I like my asshole just the way it is. Night number four, I give you "DELIVERANCE." ...."BEND OVER AND SQUEAL LIKE A PIG FOR ME!!" ..."YOU GOT PURTTY LIPS!!" This 1972 film is about four businessmen who decide to canoe down this river in the Georgia wilderness and come across some pretty fucked up inbreeds. As you can tell from the opening of this paragraph, some ass raping occurs and well...you just gotta see it. This film is a 3.5 out of 5 for me.

We’re now at film number five of Zombie Zane’s Seven Nights of Hot Horror and this film oozes heat! 1996's FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. Robert Rodriguez directed, Zombie Zane approved. What’s not hot about Salma Hayek table dancing with a huge snake? And for you ladies out there, ya get some George Clooney. A great film all the way around! After all it was written by Quentin Tarantino. One of the coolest vampire movies ever, this film gets a perfect 5.

Almost done. This next film, movie number six is an old school classic. And when I say old school, I mean like 1950's old school. Hey now, no bitching. Older is sometimes cooler. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954) This is one of the classic horror films from Universal (Studios) and was one of the first, if not the first film to be done in 3D. If you haven’t seen it, then check it out. It’s dated but it has nostalgia attached to it and it does star the lovely Julia Adams. So peep it out and think about a time long gone. This monster movie gets a 3 out of 5 for me.

So if you’re still reading this, we are now at film number seven. The last film on the list is the 1995 horror film, "ICE CREAM MAN." Written and directed by Paul Norman (who, btw, directs porns! So cool points there) Maybe not a well known film, but it does have quite a cult following and it has some pretty cool parts so it makes the cut. I give this slasher film a 2.5 out of 5. Middle of the road but if you haven’t seen it, it’s worth it.

Well, there it is. Zombie Zane’s Seven Nights of Hot Horror. Be sure and check out Sasha’s stuff, she’s got a review of episode one of the Masters of Horror series, and an article about the black eyed children phenomenon. It’s all good stuff so read it. Until next time, take care, stay a-scared and I am out.