Hello Dead End Horror fans that eat Smashburgers late at night while listening to renditions of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town.’ Happy Holidays, slimes. So, what do you wanna talk about today? I’m having a fuck of a time trying to think about what to write about. Fucking writer’s block. Maybe I need a drink...Gimmie a sec would ya?
Ok, back on target. I still haven’t a clue what I’m gonna write about, but at least now I feel a bit looser. One or ten more of these and I may be typing the rest of this naked. YIKES! Now that’s what I call fucking horror!
So, I think what I’m gonna do is give you a list of 10 holiday horror movies you can watch. I mean I was gonna do a review on, “The Children” which is a kick-ass holiday horror movie, but fuck it. I’ll do that one next week. One more quick thing, I said 10 movies, but this post will have 5. I’m gonna split it into two different posts. Why? Not sure. Because I can I guess. But 5 is better than none. And besides, I don’t wanna overload you with too much info all at once. That and I damn sure don’t wanna type too much info all at once. So let’s cut out the foreplay and get to the list.
Sorry, one more thing of note. These movies are like in no particular order. Like I didn’t rank them or anything. But I will give you my score at the end of each film. Cool? Cool. Okay, now we’ll get to the list.....
5. “Silent Night, Bloody Night” (1974)An oldie but a goody. What’s not to like about an escaped maniacal killer stalking people trying to sell an old mansion? Nothing! This film is old but it does have that grainy, 1970's quality to it so it kinda rocks on that level. A solid 2.25 out of 5 for me.
4. “Child’s Play” (1988)Directed by Tom Holland, this little film has inspired several sequels and has developed a cult following over the years. Love this film! The other one’s not so much, but this one, fuck yeah! And YES! It is a Christmas horror movie. It takes place over Christmas. So it counts! BOO! I give Chucky a 4 out of 5.
3. “Gremlins” (1984) I talked about this film earlier in the week. So I won’t say much here about it. All I can tell you is that this is a great film and it never gets old. I totally own this motherfucker and you should too. Ask Santa for it if you don’t have a copy. “Gremlins” 5 out of 5!
2. “Santa Claws” (1996)If you like low budget horror and a ton of tits and ass, then this is the perfect holiday horror movie for you. It was written and directed by James Russo (co-writer of Night of the Living Dead) in case you wanted to know. And in case you didn’t. Anyway, great film, entertaining, and silly as hell. I give it a 3.75. What can I say? I liked it.
1. “Night Train Murders” (1975)Ok, now this thing is very similar to ‘Last House on the Left.’ But in my opinion, it’s way more brutal. It’s about a couple of college girls headed home for the Christmas holiday. Anyway, they get raped and brutalized while on the train. So eventually the culprits that did the raping meet one of the girl’s dad and well...you can guess. Very brutal, very different and very not family friendly. A 3.5 out of 5 for this one.
And there you have it. 5 kick ass holiday horror movies for your viewing enjoyment. So deck the halls and all that other shit. Hope you watch some of these over the weekend. You’ll enjoy them. Trust me, I’m a professional.
Until next time, take care, stay a-scared, and I am out! Peace peace and elf jizzum grease.
Heya Dead End Horror fans that wish people Merry Christmas and give them the finger when their backs are turned. What’s good, slimes? Anyway, just another Wednesday here at DEH so that means it’s time for me to hang out with you for a bit. Aren’t you just fucking elated? I know I am.
So, what shall we talk about for today’s post...thinking...thinking...still thinking...having a drink and thinking...scratching my nuts and having a drink and thinking...I GOT IT! How about I tell you about a good holiday horror movie? I mean, the traditional Christmas movies aren’t for everyone, ya know. So, let’s cut out this foreplay and let me tell you about one of my all time favorite holiday horror movies. I’m talking about, “Gremlins.”
I know, I know, it ain’t exactly horror. And it ain’t the normal bloody and nudity filled shit that we offer here, but fuck it. It’s my blog. But whatever. No, for real, “Gremlins” is a great movie to watch over the holidays. I mean it does take place over Christmas after all.
So, as you may know (or not know) “Gremlins” is a 1984 American horror/comedy film. Duh. Anyway, it was directed by Joe Dante (remember him from Masters of Horror) and it was also produced by Steven Spielberg. It was released in June of ‘84 and it runs just about 100 minutes. Not on Netflix instant watch, but you can do the whole DVD thing if you are so inclined.
One more nugget, this film, along with, ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,’ was one of the reasons that the MPAA decided to create the whole PG-13 thing. “Gremlins” was given a PG rating, but some people thought that some of the content was too harsh and the film needed an R. R...what the fuck ever. I mean really.
I’m sure if you’re still reading this you already know the plot. If you don’t know the plot, omigod hang yourself at once because you are a fucking loser. YIKES! Did I just type that? That was a tad harsh. Sorry. I take it back. But if you wanna know the plot, just go watch it. You’ll love it.
As far as what I think about this film, I love it! Love it! SO many memorable scenes and quotes from this thing. Like I may can quote this film verbatim. One of my favorite scenes is the Deagle scene. Here, take a look...
AWESOME! Like I could carry on and on about my favorite scenes but I won’t. But check out this one...
One more and I’ll stop. Remember when they’re all drunk at the bar and that one gremlin is dressed in the trench coat? Then he totally flashes Phoebe Cates. Hijinks abound!
Anyway, I’ll stop there. But for real, if you haven’t seen this movie, go. Go and watch it. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I haven’t seen it yet this year and tonight is a great night for it. Before you go, bop on over and see what Sasha’s doing. She may be rocking out in her Christmas themed GP’s and drinking egg nog.
Until we meet again take care, stay a-scared and I am out. Peace peace and microwaved gremlin grease! C-ya on the flip side motherfucker.
Well hi there creepy blog stalkers! Are you still searching for gross stuff? Awesome! Now before I get to today's post, I have to say that peppermint mocha coffee creamer is the bees knees. I know! Nothing to do with horror, but I can say what I want! Half my blog, half my rules. Soooo, today I'll be telling you ass clowns (And I totally mean that in the nicest way possible) about a little movie called Kill Theory.
I've seen the movie on Syfy, so you know they edit the shit out of that. So I decided to catch it on Netflix. Not a whole lot of difference between the two besides some cussing and a brief shot of tiny tata's. Kill Theory was written by Kelly Palmer and directed by Chris Moore. And here's a little more info for you, Kill Theory was a part of After Dark Films Horror Fest: 8 Films To Die For. Yay! So let me tell you a little more about it.
After a hiking trip with three best friends goes awry, Walter is forced to make the decision to kill his friends to save himself, or die with them. He ultimately decides to cut the rope they were hanging on, and watches his three best friends fall to their deaths. Walter is convicted on three counts of second degree murder and spends three years in a state mental hospital. The day has come when Walter finishes his three year sentence and is being released by his doctor. He is talking to his psychiatrist Dr. Karl Truftin when he tells Walter that he must come back for after care for one year. The Dr. points out that Walter did after all, kill his friends, and reminds Walter that he had said that we all have the potential to be a killer. Walter agrees to come to treatment as scheduled and signs the paper and is set free.
Meanwhile a group of friends (Amber, Brent, Freddy, Jennifer, Michael, Nicole, Carlos, and Alex) are vacationing together one last time before going off to the college in the fall. They are staying at Brent's fathers vacation home in a secluded wooded area. Walter, who's mind is warped from the entire experience, and who is still bitter about the trial, ventures to the remote lakeside home and finds the teenagers partying into the night. He then decides to test his twisted theory on them.
While in the kitchen, Nicole is grabbed from behind and kidnapped. Shortly after she is pushed through the window into Freddy's bed. Everyone wakes up and realizes that Nicole's throat had been slit and the letters T.V. were carved into her stomach. Brent tuns on the TV and a man (The one who was recently released from the psych ward) comes onto the screen. The sadistic sociopath tells them that they all have the potential to be killers. He then tells them that they have until 6 a.m. and if more than one of them is still alive, he will kill everyone that remains. If anyone wants to stay alive, they have to kill all others that stand in their way, and be the last one standing when it's over.
What a freak!! It's actually kind of a trippy movie though. It raises the question, what would you in this situation? Would you kill your best friends in order to survive? Or would you let them kill you so they could survive?? That's too deep for me to ponder at the moment...and it's kinda morbid. I haven't had enough liquor to even think about it. This movie was actually pretty decent. The acting was good, and the death scenes were pretty good too. There was a limb severing, a dude getting a kitchen skewer through his eye, a dude getting beaten to death by a shovel...ughh I won't tell you anymore, but this movie had it's fair share of blood and gore. It was interesting watching people that were formerly friends and lovers plot to kill one another.
And the plot twist at the end was totally unexpected. Didn't even see it coming! Overall I'd give Kill Theory a 3 out of 5. I could have done without the whiny guy that cried, screamed and freaked out during almost the whole movie. Quit being a bitch huh? That really got on my nerves. I was actually kinda glad when he got a skewer through the eye and out the back of his head. The film did kind of remind me of the Saw series in a way, but not too much.
And it wasn't at all surprising that cellphones didn't work in the area, the power went out, and oh hey, the phone lines were cut. SHOCKER! But I would recommend this film, maybe during a stormy night or when you want to see some quality gore. And hey, since you're here, stop and by and see what Zane's got going on. Thanks for stopping by Dead End Horror.
Hey there stranger dangers that search for "masturbate lip" and "cum dead body". FREAKS! What is wrong with you weirdos? Are Zane and I rubbing off on you? Did that sound a little perverted to you? Ok. Great. Anyway! It's that time again, time for us to blow your minds with how damn awesome we are. I've decided to usurp Zane and do my own thing, so this week, I probably won't be reviewing The Nightmare Before Christmas. Take that boss! =)
So today I'll be sprinkling in another holiday horror film. I'll be telling you about Black Christmas (The one from 2006, not 1974). Black Christmas was written and directed by Glen Morgan. It's an American Slasher film and a remake of the 1974 horror film of the same name. When the date was set for Black Christmas to come out on December 25, 2006, there were plenty of religious groups protesting the release due to the films graphic content in a holiday setting. Despite backlash from various religious organizations, the film did open on Christmas day. So let me tell you more about it.
Billy Lenz was born with a with a rare medical condition that turned his skin yellow, and because of this he is constantly abused by his mother, Mrs. Lenz. When Mrs. Lenz falls in love with another man, she decides to kill her husband and bury him in the crawlspace under her home. Billy witnesses his mother murdering his father and she locks him in the attic to keep him quiet. Shortly after, Billy's mother marries the man that she had fallen in love with and tries to conceive a child with him.
She soon realizes that the man is impotent, so she goes to the attic and rapes her son Billy. Nine months later, Agnes is born and is dearly loved by her new family. One Christmas Eve, Billy escapes and disfigures Agnes before brutally murdering his mother and her husband. He proceeds to make cookies out of his mother's flesh before getting caught and taken to a mental institution.
Some time later, on Christmas Eve, Billy escapes the mental institution after killing a security guard and butchering a man in a Santa Claus costume, and uses the costume as a disguise to escape. Soon after, at a nearby sorority house called Delta Alpha Kappa, two girls are murdered in the home without the others noticing. The rest of the girls receive a phone call from a man, rambling on and not making sense. One of the girls named Lauren taunts the caller and he then threatens to kill them.
And as promised by the strange caller, the girls are getting murdered one by one. Heather and Mrs. Mac try to go for help, but are soon killed shortly after stepping out of the car when it didn't start. The killer finds the last two survivors and introduces himself as Agnes, and then shows them all of the murdered girls' dead bodies on a Christmas tree. Billy makes his way into the attic and he and Agnes close in on the girls, and accidentally start a fire. The two girls escape and leave Agnes and Billy to burn. Little do they know, it wouldn't be the last they see of Agnes and Billy Lenz.
Ohhh noooo!!! If you want to know what kind of shenanigans Billy and Agnes get into, hop on over to Netflix and check out Black Christmas. I liked the movie. It was pretty decent. The acting was good, and the gore was awesome!! There was a good bit of blood and the kill scenes were great. I think my favorite part was when little Billy was making cookies out of his mom flesh. GROSS!!
Gross but genius. And as far as the religious groups getting their granny panties in a wad, GET OVER IT! Ughh!! Big deal, some violence, death, and gore in a holiday related film. Blahh. Lighten up and open your mind a tad, huh?? Unfortunately, the film did get some pretty negative reviews. Most people agreed that it was just a gratuitous remake of the 1974 version and it was too pumped with gore and blood, and no creativity. What the hell is wrong with blood and gore?
I do agree though, movies do have to have at least some level of creativity to make them interesting. Overall I'd give Black Christmas a 3 out of 5. It was a decent film with some great gore. I will say that it shouldn't matter is the remake isn't exactly like the original. The original still is and always will be there.
It makes more sense to judge a remake on it's own merits, right? Sure! I'd recommend watching Black Christmas during the holidays...especially if you're feeling festive and in the mood for some gore. Well, that's all there is and there ain't no more. Since you're here, you can go and check out what Zane's been up to. I think it involves driving things up his bum!
Hello Dead End Horror fans that run around aimlessly in a driving rain storm while singing Christmas tunes. What’s good? Ugh! Another looooong weekend here at DEH.(Dead End Horror) Sasha and I got mad wasted with a one-legged werewolf and my New York Football Giants got reamed in the ass for a fourth straight week. BUTT FUCK! Whatever.
Anyway, we got some good shit for ya this week. Sasha will be talking about the movie, “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” I love that movie! ‘...Something’s up with Jack, something’s up with Jack...’ LOVE IT! One of my favorite holiday movies.
Speaking of the holidays, is it me or are most of the Christmas commercials this year really, really gay? I mean, Jesus H! What happened to the good ones? Like the Coca-Cola polar bears? Or the Budweiser horses? I mean this shit they’re rolling out now sucks my ball-sac. Fucking Lexus commercials, (ya know, the ones that show the new car with the big bow) Fuck off. So lame.
And what about the Best Buy commercial? Ya know the ones with the ‘Game on, Santa’ slogan. Why buy all that shit if Santa’s gonna come anyway. Let the big guy do it. Stupid, smug bitches. If I were Santa and some bitch acted that way toward me, I’d take her shit back and then I’d slap the bitch. Talking about, ‘Oh, these are full. No room for you. Maybe you can fill his.’ She says as she points to the dog with the small stocking in his mouth. You’ve seen that one, right? Stupid cunt.
Wow, I went off on a rant. Sorry. Still in a pissy mood due to my Giants losing today. Let’s get back to what’s on tap for the week here. Like I said, Sasha will be talking about ‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ and she’ll also be throwing in some random shit as well.
Me, I’m gonna talk about the movie, “Gremlins.” One more of my favorite holiday horror films. Although it’s not really horror, but whatever. It makes the list anyway. I may also throw down a top ten list or something. And then again, I may just get lazy and hit the archives and re publish some more of our old shit. Who knows. But as you can guess, it’s gonna be good. I mean, isn’t it always?
Ok, sheep. I’m out for now. Be sure and check back throughout week. We need all the hits we can get. So until then, take care, stay a-scared and I am out. Peace peace and left over hair gel grease.
