HEY SANTA CLAUS YOU CUNT WHERE'S ME FUCKIN' BIKE BY: ZOMBIE ZANE

Hello Dead End Horror fans that eat Smashburgers late at night while listening to renditions of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town.’ Happy Holidays, slimes. So, what do you wanna talk about today? I’m having a fuck of a time trying to think about what to write about. Fucking writer’s block. Maybe I need a drink...Gimmie a sec would ya?

Ok, back on target. I still haven’t a clue what I’m gonna write about, but at least now I feel a bit looser. One or ten more of these and I may be typing the rest of this naked. YIKES! Now that’s what I call fucking horror!

So, I think what I’m gonna do is give you a list of 10 holiday horror movies you can watch. I mean I was gonna do a review on, “The Children” which is a kick-ass holiday horror movie, but fuck it. I’ll do that one next week. One more quick thing, I said 10 movies, but this post will have 5. I’m gonna split it into two different posts. Why? Not sure. Because I can I guess. But 5 is better than none. And besides, I don’t wanna overload you with too much info all at once. That and I damn sure don’t wanna type too much info all at once. So let’s cut out the foreplay and get to the list.

Sorry, one more thing of note. These movies are like in no particular order. Like I didn’t rank them or anything. But I will give you my score at the end of each film. Cool? Cool. Okay, now we’ll get to the list.....

5. “Silent Night, Bloody Night” (1974) An oldie but a goody. What’s not to like about an escaped maniacal killer stalking people trying to sell an old mansion? Nothing! This film is old but it does have that grainy, 1970's quality to it so it kinda rocks on that level. A solid 2.25 out of 5 for me. 

4.  “Child’s Play” (1988) Directed by Tom Holland, this little film has inspired several sequels and has developed a cult following over the years. Love this film! The other one’s not so much, but this one, fuck yeah! And YES! It is a Christmas horror movie. It takes place over Christmas. So it counts! BOO! I give Chucky a 4 out of 5.

 

3.  “Gremlins” (1984) I talked about this film earlier in the week. So I won’t say much here about it. All I can tell you is that this is a great film and it never gets old. I totally own this motherfucker and you should too. Ask Santa for it if you don’t have a copy. “Gremlins” 5 out of 5!
 

2.  “Santa Claws” (1996) If you like low budget horror and a ton of tits and ass, then this is the perfect holiday horror movie for you. It was written and directed by James Russo (co-writer of Night of the Living Dead) in case you wanted to know. And in case you didn’t. Anyway, great film, entertaining, and silly as hell. I give it a 3.75. What can I say? I liked it.  

1.  “Night Train Murders” (1975) Ok, now this thing is very similar to ‘Last House on the Left.’ But in my opinion, it’s way more brutal. It’s about a couple of college girls headed home for the Christmas holiday. Anyway, they get raped and brutalized while on the train. So eventually the culprits that did the raping meet one of the girl’s dad and well...you can guess. Very brutal, very different and very not family friendly. A 3.5 out of 5 for this one.

And there you have it. 5 kick ass holiday horror movies for your viewing enjoyment. So deck the halls and all that other shit. Hope you watch some of these over the weekend. You’ll enjoy them. Trust me, I’m a professional.

Until next time, take care, stay a-scared, and I am out! Peace peace and elf jizzum grease.