FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS By: SASHA SLAUGHTER

Hey there stranger dangers that search for "masturbate lip" and "cum dead body". FREAKS! What is wrong with you weirdos? Are Zane and I rubbing off on you? Did that sound a little perverted to you? Ok. Great. Anyway! It's that time again, time for us to blow your minds with how damn awesome we are. I've decided to usurp Zane and do my own thing, so this week, I probably won't be reviewing The Nightmare Before Christmas. Take that boss! =) 

So today I'll be sprinkling in another holiday horror film. I'll be telling you about Black Christmas (The one from 2006, not 1974). Black Christmas was written and directed by Glen Morgan. It's an American Slasher film and a remake of the 1974 horror film of the same name. When the date was set for Black Christmas to come out on December 25, 2006, there were plenty of religious groups protesting the release due to the films graphic content in a holiday setting. Despite backlash from various religious organizations, the film did open on Christmas day. So let me tell you more about it.

Billy Lenz was born with a with a rare medical condition that turned his skin yellow, and because of this he is constantly abused by his mother, Mrs. Lenz. When Mrs. Lenz falls in love with another man, she decides to kill her husband and bury him in the crawlspace under her home. Billy witnesses his mother murdering his father and she locks him in the attic to keep him quiet. Shortly after, Billy's mother marries the man that she had fallen in love with and tries to conceive a child with him. 

She soon realizes that the man is impotent, so she goes to the attic and rapes her son Billy. Nine months later, Agnes is born and is dearly loved by her new family. One Christmas Eve, Billy escapes and disfigures Agnes before brutally murdering his mother and her husband. He proceeds to make cookies out of his mother's flesh before getting caught and taken to a mental institution.

Some time later, on Christmas Eve, Billy escapes the mental institution after killing a security guard and butchering a man in a Santa Claus costume, and uses the costume as a disguise to escape. Soon after, at a nearby sorority house called Delta Alpha Kappa, two girls are murdered in the home without the others noticing. The rest of the girls receive a phone call from a man, rambling on and not making sense. One of the girls named Lauren taunts the caller and he then threatens to kill them. 

And as promised by the strange caller, the girls are getting murdered one by one. Heather and Mrs. Mac try to go for help, but are soon killed shortly after stepping out of the car when it didn't start. The killer finds the last two survivors and introduces himself as Agnes, and then shows them all of the murdered girls' dead bodies on a Christmas tree. Billy makes his way into the attic and he and Agnes close in on the girls, and accidentally start a fire. The two girls escape and leave Agnes and Billy to burn. Little do they know, it wouldn't be the last they see of Agnes and Billy Lenz.

Ohhh noooo!!! If you want to know what kind of shenanigans Billy and Agnes get into, hop on over to Netflix and check out Black Christmas. I liked the movie. It was pretty decent. The acting was good, and the gore was awesome!! There was a good bit of blood and the kill scenes were great. I think my favorite part was when little Billy was making cookies out of his mom flesh. GROSS!! 

Gross but genius. And as far as the religious groups getting their granny panties in a wad, GET OVER IT! Ughh!! Big deal, some violence, death, and gore in a holiday related film. Blahh. Lighten up and open your mind a tad, huh?? Unfortunately, the film did get some pretty negative reviews. Most people agreed that it was just a gratuitous remake of the 1974 version and it was too pumped with gore and blood, and no creativity. What the hell is wrong with blood and gore?

I do agree though, movies do have to have at least some level of creativity to make them interesting. Overall I'd give Black Christmas a 3 out of 5. It was a decent film with some great gore. I will say that it shouldn't matter is the remake isn't exactly like the original. The original still is and always will be there. 

It makes more sense to judge a remake on it's own merits, right? Sure! I'd recommend watching Black Christmas during the holidays...especially if you're feeling festive and in the mood for some gore. Well, that's all there is and there ain't no more. Since you're here, you can go and check out what Zane's been up to. I think it involves driving things up his bum!