OH HOT DAMN! By: SASHA SLAUGHTER

How's it going creeps?? Sasha Slaughter here with you for the final time this week, and I've decided to go with the "series girl" thing again. That's right, today I'll be telling you a little about Masters of Horror season 2 episode 1: The Damned Thing...ooooh! It was written by Richard Christian Matheson and directed by none other than Tobe Hooper. The Damned Thing was inspired by Ambrose Bierce's classic short-story of the same title. So let me tell you a little more about it.

The Damned Thing is an apocalyptic story of a monstrous force that devastates Sheriff Kevin Reddle's family and his small town of Cloverdale. As a child back in 1981, Kevin witnessed his father going insane and shooting his mother, before almost being killed himself.  But before his father can kill him,  Kevin watches in horror as he is disemboweled by an invisible force. Before Kevin's father is killed, he says aloud that the "damned thing" has found him.

Fast forward twenty-four years later to the small town of Cloverdale. Kevin is the town sheriff living in his childhood home where his mother was slaughtered. Due to extreme paranoia, Kevin has mounted surveillance and video camera's throughout the house and on the property. Kevin's wife Dina, decided to leave Kevin and take their young son Mikey with them because of the mental strain his paranoia causes. With the weather starting to turn violent, and people not feeling well, Kevin fears that the thing that killed his father is on it's way to kill him too. The normally peaceful town of Cloverdale quickly turns violent as people being going insane and killing themselves, and one another.

Kevin kept a "dream box" of his fathers and one night decides to pick the lock. Upon opening it he finds nothing, but then realizes there is something under the lid. He opens the lid and finds articles about a town named Sturgis that was plagued by the same madness after opening an oil well that had quickly dried up. Many of the citizens killed each other, with the total body count reaching 208, and Kevin's parents were among those who survived and fled the city.

Madness begins to sweep over the sleepy town of Cloverdale and even Kevin's peaceful wife Dina is not immune. He walks into her and her son's home shortly before Dina tries to kill their son. He stops her and she snaps out of it. They decide to go back to Kevin's home to be safe. Upon arrival, Kevin realizes that some of the towns people have taken shelter in his home because they are afraid of the mayhem that is happening outside. He locks them in the basement and tells them it's the safest place for them to be. Dina and Mikey hide upstairs while Kevin figures out what to do. But soon enough, Kevin begins to succumb to the evil that has been searching for him all these years.

Oooh supernatural creep! What ever could be destroying the town of Cloverdale? Well if you really wanna know, check out Masters of Horror: The Damned Thing. Now, lend me your ear and I'll tell you what I thought about it. The beginning scene was amazing. I'm talking a gory death scene within the first four minutes. And by gory I mean GORY! The dude shot his wife in the chest and then in the stomach...her intestines came out and there was guts...It was awesome! And from there, it kind of slowed down a little. It feels like the story was almost rushed a little to make the 60 minute time slot, and it didn't really explain a whole lot. Like, there was something about oil wells and drilling....what??? I didn't get it! 

And this really bizarre scene with this guy telling himself a dirty joke before killing himself with a....Ohh I won't give it away, but it didn't really seem like it belonged in the episode. I will say though that there were a good bit of killing scenes and a damn good amount of blood and gore. I mean, the guy that was pretty much getting disemboweled at the beginning?? All I can say is GROSS!!! ahhh! And the priest character really got on my nerves. He was so mean and in every one's business, and was really condescending to people. I thought priests were supposed to be all Godly and nice?? Well this one was an asshole. And a totally unbelievable one at that.

Ok, and the deputy and his stupid cartoon drawings?? What was that?? It was a total waste of time if you ask me. They could have spent the time explaining the story and developing it. Instead they wasted it on deputy dumb ass and his cartoon rat. Suck it. And another thing, like I said, the first scene was amazing and I was excited that maybe the rest of the episode would be just as explosive. I was wrong. Some of the story and scenes were kind of inconsistent. Overall I'd give The Damned Thing a 2.5 out of 5. If they would have taken more time to explain things and develop the plot, it could have been better. 

The only reason I gave it a 2.5 was the death scenes and the copious amounts of blood and gore. Ohh and lastly, my one final complaint...When you finally get a glimpse of the "Damned Thing" prepare for disappointment. They build you up and make you think "Oh man, this is gonna be scary". I think not. It looked like a giant CGI cartoon that made dinosaur noises. F that noise. Well now, since I'm done yammering, go on and see what Zane's up to! Thanks for stopping by.

DIRTY DANCING WITH ZOMBIE ZANE by: Zombie Zane

YEP-YEP YEP-YEP-YEP let’s do this thang! Zombie Zane here stepping in for the lovely Sasha Slaughter this week as I review episode three in the Masters of Horror series. So kick on back, make yourself uncomfortable and let me tell you my take on episode three, "Dance of the Dead."

As I mentioned, ‘Dance of the Dead’ is the third installment in the Masters of Horror series. It’s directed by Tobe Hooper (ya gotta know that name by now) and written by Richard Matheson. It’s original air date was November 11, 2005. This episode stars Robert Englund (now you better know that name) and a couple of other people that I don’t really know about. Except for Ryan McDonald. I do know him.

This episode takes place in a postapocalyptic world just after World War III. The story revolves around a young waitress named Peggy who decides to rebel against her over protective mother by going with a group of punk looking kids for a night at the Doom Room. Which the afore mentioned Robert Englund is the MC and owner of. Now the Doom Room just ain’t your typical postapocalyptic club. Hell to tha NAW! This certain club has a different kinda of entertainment. And no, I’m not talking zombie lap dances. Although, that may be cool. Just thinking....Ok, I got off point. Sorry. We’ll delve into zombie lap dances another time. Back to the Doom Room. As I was saying, this isn’t your ordinary club. The entertainment is a bunch of dancing reanimated corpses! Pretty neat, yes? And Peggy gets another HUGE jolt when she recognizes that one of the dancing dead is somebody from her past...(Cue the dramatic music now.) I could tell you who it is, but that would fuck up the whole episode. It’s better to have just enough than to have to much. That’s my opinion in anyway. So if you wanna find out who the person from Peggy’s past is, than I suggest you hit Netflix and give episode three a gander. One more little tidbit about this episode: Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan scored the episode, so if you’re a fan of him, you’ll wanna check that out as well.

Ok, that’s the plot, I guess it’s time for my rating. I give this episode a 2.75 out of a possible 5. Not my favorite in the series, there are worse ones. And we’ll be reviewing those as well. I think next week Sasha will be back doing this part and the next episode in the series is ‘Jenifer.’ At least I think that’s the next one. I’m too lazy to look it up just now. Sorry.

Ok, there ya have it. Episode three in the Masters of Horror series. Until next time, take care, stay a-scared and I am out.