PUT THAT BITCH ON ICE! BY: ZOMBIE ' CHODE' ZANE

Heya Dead End Horror sheep that hang out at the Booty Lounge and spend your rent and food money on junk food and greasy hamburgers! It’s Thursday and that means it’s that time once again for us to do what we do. So why not kick on back, put ya feet up, grab some greasy junk food and let me tell you about this movie I just got done watching.

Before I get to the post, why not watch the trailer first:

 “Bikini Girls on Ice.” No shit! I know, I know, another lame-ass horror film with half naked chicks getting hacked to bits by a demented killer. But, hey. Aren’t they all? Look, I know that there isn’t a shred of originality to be found in this film, but I was just in the mood for some mindless drivel. Plus I have very low standards so I’m rarely disappointed. But seriously, if you’re in the mood for a good old fashioned slasher flick, you could do a lot worse than this film.

 So here’s a bit of the particulars.  “Bikini Girls on Ice” is a 2009 American horror/slasher film directed by Geoff Klein. It stars Danielle Doetsch, Cindel Chartland, and Suzi Lorraine. Basically it’s full of wanna be porn stars. Anyway, it runs just about 80mins and can be found on Netflix under the horror section in recently added. So if you wanna dull your mind and lose a few I.Q. points, by all means finish reading this and head on over there.

Like I mentioned before, the plot is just like 1000 movies you’ve already seen but I’ll give you the brief rundown anyway. It’s about a group of chicks who find themselves stranded when their bus breaks down in bum fuck Egypt. Anywho, they make it over to this old, abandoned gas station where, (you guessed it) a killer starts killing them off one by one. Told you it’s fuckin’ predictable. But like I said, aren’t most of these kind of movies?

As for me, I didn’t hate it. Although I tried to. I have to admit, it was one of those movies that are so bad, it’s good. I wouldn’t necessarily watch this one again, not would I go out of my way to own it, but it was still worth 80mins of my day.

After careful debate and half a cigarette, I give this movie a 2.75 out of 5. I mean it’s just a bit better than middle of the road. Like I said, there are a shitload of slasher films out there that are complete piles of fuck. Steaming piles of fuck! But this one, not so bad.

Well, that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Sorry this post is so short but I’ve been doing some work for Yahoo and my poor little pea-brain is all but fried. Before I go, be sure and check back tomorrow. Sasha and I have an announcement that may interest you. We’re gonna be holding a short story contest so you may wanna look into how to enter and the rules and whatnot. So stay tuned.

On that note, take care, stay a-scared, and I am out! Peace peace and fair-food eating grease! 

Zombie Zane

                                        

WELL CHOP ME UP AND CALL ME DADDY BY: ZOMBIE ZANE

Coming at you live and direct once again from the seven six one oh seven, it’s the man of the hour himself, Zombie ‘Fat Boy’ Zane. What’s good horror fans that stay out all night chasing zombies and drinking hot beer.  Now before I get into todays post, I wanna take a second a jump up on my soapbox. So if you can just be patient, we’ll get to the boobs, blood, and whatnot in just a sec. Or you can skip ahead. Whatever.

Ok, so you know how there’s been like three earthquakes in two days right? Anyway, this old retarded guy by the name of Pat Robertson says that gays are the reason for earthquakes, tornados, and bombs.  Are you fucking for real??  I mean everyone knows that it’s the aliens that are responsible for all these natural disasters and whatnot. This guy is a total fuck-tard! His statements have to be some of the dumbest shit that I’ve ever heard.  Old ass man, shut the fuck up. Could somebody please give him a dick to shove in his mouth so that he’ll quit talking. And don’t get me started on the people that follow this guy and believe his nonsense. They can suck it too. Bunch of fuckin uneducated simpletons. So here’s a big FUCK OFF to Pat Robertson and his diluted thinking.                 

Wow, that was a rant huh? Sorry. But I gotta tell ya, I can’t tell ya that I cannot tolerate ignorance.  So if you’re still with me, how about we do what we do and get into some horror. Have any of you guys seen the movie, “Hatchet?” I know it’s a few years old, but this movie is one of my all time favorites in the slasher movie genre.

Anyway, “Hatchet” is a 2006 slasher film from Ariescope Pictures written and directed by Adam Green.  The film was originally given an NC-17 rating, but after a few minor cuts here and there, the MPAA gave it an R rating for ‘strong bloody horror, violence, sexual content, nudity, and language.’ Hell to the yeah!!! The recipe for a perfect slasher film, right? My thoughts exactly. Let’s get to the plot, yes.

“Hatchet” is set in the swamp lands of Louisiana (which I find cool because I’m from the south and dig the shit out of Louisiana) So basically the movie is about a group of tourists who learn that the legend of Victor Crowley is real and he is in fact one bad-ass motherfucker. This movie is kinda like “Friday the 13th” in the swamp. Ya know, deformed retard hunts and kills a group of twenty-somethings. But after all, it’s a slasher film, what more do you want? Yes, the plot is simple and somewhat predictable, but this is still worth watching. Especially if you’re a fan of slasher movies.

Another cool thing I liked  about his movie was that Robert Englund and Tony Todd were in it. And if you don’t know these two guys, then you suck.  Really suck. Just kidding. Robert Englund obviously was Freddy Krueger in the NOES series and Tony Todd is the dude that played in the Candyman movies. So see, some pretty cool actors are in this film. Really, the other cast members weren’t  that bad either, I just didn’t recognize the names so I ain’t gonna type them all out. You can IMDB this movie if you wanna know the full ensemble of actors. (See, I used ensemble, that’s a big boy word! I don’t always cuss like a sailor.)

Sasha's Lover

So, wanna see some boobs and blood? Me too!  Let's do some boobs first!





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All right pervs, no more boobs for now, let's get to some gore....

That should satisfy all of your blood/boob needs. If not, I don't know what to tell ya. Go find some porn or something. Anywho, speaking of boobs and blood, go by and see the busty Sasha Slaughter, she's got plenty of both. Until tomorrow horror fans, take care, stay a-scared and I am out!

ZOMBIE ZANE

                                                                                             

THE GIRLS OF GORE WANT MORE BY: ZOMBIE 'DUH-DUH' ZANE

...”All I wanna do is bang-bang-bang-bang...” Sorry! I got this fuckin’ song stuck in my head and no matter what I do, or how many times I listen to it, I can’t seem to exorcize it out of my dome. If you wanna know the name of the song, It’s called “Paper Planes” by M.I.A.  Yeah, I know it’s old, but whatever. I just heard it the other day. So if you’re gonna hate, fuck off upstairs!

Anyway, it’s Friday afternoon and it’s time once again for us to have a little chat. So without further ado, let’s kick this off the right way...Coming to ya live and direct from the shitty-ass heat capital of the word also known as the seven six one oh seven, it’s me, Zombie ‘Effing’ Zane!  What’s good horror fans that stay up all night and drink water while watching your digital clocks. Hope everyone is ready for the weekend. I know I am.

For today’s post, I’m gonna be yapping about a movie I watched just a couple of days ago. Ever heard of the movie, “The Gore Gore Girls?” No? Well, why not kick on back a while and let me educate. I mean, what else do ya got going on?

“The Gore Gore Girls” is a 1972 horror film directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis. Other films by Lewis include, “Monster A Go-Go,” “The Wizard of Gore,” “Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat,” and “Two Thousand Maniacs.” Back to the “Gore Gore Girls.” This film is probably best known for two scenes: The whole nipple lopping thing, and the scene where the killer beats the shit out of this girl's bare ass with a fuckin’ meat mallet. OUCH! Anyway, this film can be found on Netflix and it runs just about 85mins. So if you wanna give it a look-see, hit Netflix after ya read this post. See, I just planned out your Friday night for ya. No Thanks necessary. It was all my pleasure.  Let’s get to the plot, shall we?   

Basically the movie goes about like this: A psychopath starts knockin’ off all these strippers from this nightclub. And he not only kills them, but does some pretty nasty shit to them. Ala the whole nipple severing reference, and the butt cheek massacre. So this reporter and this private dick (NO, Not that kind of dick! I mean a private eye you bunch o’ perverts!) Anywho, this reporter and this detective try to gather clues and find the killer. Now I know that the plot is basic, but you ain’t watching it for the plot. You’re watching it to see something nasty. And by the way, this film was one of the first, if not the first horror film to get an X rating. After all, it was directed by the grandfather of gore.

As far as what I thought about this film, I thought it was ok. It did have some pretty nasty-von nast-nast stuff in it. And with careful consideration, I have to give this gore fest a solid 3 out of 5.Yeah, I know some won’t agree but whatever. I mean this film did what it was supposed to do. Shock and make you squirm. This isn’t something that you just wanna sit down and peep out. Ya gotta be in the mood for these kinda films. If you aren’t in the right frame of mind, then you’ll most likely hate it. Just a word to the wise. Be in the right frame of mind before you check out this film, yes?

So know that I told you my take, wanna see some of the nasty shit? Me too! I got a couple pics from the film that I can share with you...    

EWW! That's the nipple slicing scene that I was talking about....


















Want some gum?

All right gore fans. That's all I got for the this week. Sasha and I'll be back next week doing what we do and doing well. So until then, take care, stay a-scared and I am out!

ZOMBIE ZANE

                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                             

HOORAY FOR BOOBIES!! By: ZOMBIE 'FAT BOY' ZANE

From "Countess Dracula"

SAY HEY WHATTA YA SAY! Coming back at ya live and direct from the seven six one oh seven it’s your ole’ pal Zombie Zane. What’s good? (Besides this blog and our awesome writing skills.) So I was gonna post the second half of my story today, but after careful consideration I decided to wait until tomorrow. But I do have something pretty good for ya. In fact, this post deals with two of my most favorite subjects. Horror and boobs. Yes. I said boobs. Don’t the two go hand in hand? (Pun intended) I mean you can’t have a good horror film without some gratuitous nudity can you?

Hell to the motherfuckin’ naw you can’t! Think about it. Think of all the classic nude/boob scenes in horror. There’s a ton of 'em. Remember PJ Soles in ‘Halloween?’ Or what about Jamie Lee Curtis in ‘Prom Night?’ You get where I’m going, yes? So how about we cut the foreplay and get to what I like to call, Horror's Best Chest's.  Catchy title huh?

First up we have the lovely Fiona Horsey. You may know her from, "Twisted Sisters," "The Chambermaid," and "Angst." She makes the list with a 3.5 out of 5 on the melon meter...

Next up we got "Open Water's" own Blanchard Ryan. Her lactoids land her a 3.5 on the melon meter...

Horror's next set of hot hooters belong to Matilda May. She was one of the space vampires in the film, "Lifeforce." I have to give this retro-hottie a 3.5 out of 5 on the melon meter...





Now this next pic, I have no idea who the girl in the photo is. All I know is she has a nice rack and the name of the film is, "Zombie Night." I give this unknown set of bra buddies a solid 4 out of 5 on the melon meter...

   

This wouldn't be a complete list without Rebecca Wood's (HA! WOOD!) Hot set of hottentots. She was in "Friday the 13th A New Begging" in case you were wondering...IT'S SHOWTIME!! 2.75 out of 5 on the melon meter...

  

How about this one? How about Nicole Bonin from the film, "Psychoward." Check out this nice set of LobLollies. A 4.75 out of 5 on the melon meter...

            

HOORAY FOR BOOBIES HUH? Ok, next up how about another set of kumquats from the smae movie, "Psychoworld." The melon meter says to give Eva Redpath a 3 out of 5.

                         

Ok, just a couple more. HA! Couple more! Get it! I hope so! This next pair belongs to Cinthia Moura. Otherwise known as the girl who played the 'deer woman' in the Masters of Horror episode, "The Deer Woman." Cinthia's corkers earn here a 4.25 out of 5 and a place on this list...

      












Well, it's been a fun trip. I hate to be the party pooper and all the boob-a-rific fun, but somebody has to. Before I go, I do have one more for ya. These are most (if not the most) famous pair of nippleloons in da' bussy. (that's code for in the business) Here we go! Registering a 5 out of 5 on the melon meter, the one, the only, The Mistress of the Dark, The Queen of the Macabre, ELVIRA!!...

And there it is. Some of horror's best chest's. Not a bad way to start the weekend, yes? Before I get outta here, be sure and check out Sasha's sweater puffs too. WAIT! did I say sweater puffs, I meant to say make sure and check out Sasha's stuff. No, not that stuff. Her articles you fuckin' perv. Haven't you seen enough yet?

Until next time, take care, stay a-scared and remember, WE are the BEST horror blog out there and I am out! Z-ya!

ZOMBIE 'FAT BOY' ZANE