Authorities arrest ruthless bear poacher, Terry Drake, in the state park and impound his truck. But what they don't know is that inside of his truck is the legendary Sasquatch. Back at the precinct where they take Drake to book him, the Sasquatch escapes hoping to get revenge on the poacher who took him from his natural habitat.
It wakes up and tries to escape from the truck and Drake shoots it with more tranquilizers. He's quickly shutting the doors of the truck when the police arrive. They arrest him and take him to the precinct while one of the officers takes his truck back to the station. After they take Drake into the precinct, the Sasquatch escapes. It starts walking through the streets and looks into a window in some chicks house and sees her stripping and getting into the shower (His eyes get all wide and makes the funniest noise..omg! haha). He sneaks into her room and finds her bra and sniffs it before going into the bathroom and watching the girl shower. He's about to get a closer look when the girls dog comes into the room. The squatch gets agitated and stomps on poor fluffy and leaves. Two nerds, Don and Murph are running all over town asking people if they've seen the Sasquatch and freaking about being in the National Sasquatch Society. While the squatch was looking into the girls window they captured video of him on the girls roof. After they get the footage they freak out and decide to follow it.
Officers bring someone else into the precinct after they arrest Drake because the other station was full. As they are taking him back to the holding cells he sees officer Ryan Walker and tries to attack him. When Walker realizes that it's Talon, who was one of two people that broke into his home ten years earlier, he has a flashback of his wife and daughter in their house when his wife calls to tell him that someone broke in. He arrives at the house to find his wife dead and shoots one of the robbers. He realizes that the guy that was brought in was one of the intruders that was in his house whom he arrested. Talon starts talking shit to Drake and after a few minutes Drake offers to make a deal with Talon. He says that if Talon can get him out of there, Drake will give him a cut of the money he's going to make from selling the Sasquatch to the collector.
Just then Jessica comes into the room when she realizes who he is. She tells him that he ruined her life because his brother killed her mother. He tells her she deserved it because her father killed his brother. He tries to grab her through the cell bars when Jessica runs away. Officer Jameson walks in and sees him try to grab her. He grabs a hold of Talon and tells him to never touch her again. Talon looks at him and tells him made a big mistake and then stabs him in the throat with scissors. He takes Jameson's keys and unlocks his cell door. Drake asks him to let him out and Talon tells him no, that he has a score to settle. Just then they realize that the truck has been broken into. They go out to find the doors ripped open and a dead guy in the truck with his guts hanging out. They see the Sasquatch watching them from a few feet away. It starts running towards them and they run back into the precinct and lock the doors.
Just then Talon shoots the breaker box and the power goes out. The back up generators kick on a few moments later only to go back out when Talon shoots the generator. The emergency lights come on and Krystal, one of the officers, decides to check on Drake. She goes into the room of holding cells to discover that Talon is gone and Jameson is dead. Drake laughs and tells her that Talon has a little score to settle. A few blocks away Jessica's boyfriend Leighton calls to let her know that she left her wallet there and he is coming to return it to her. He notices someone is following him and turns around and comes face to face with the Sasquatch. He maces it and it runs away. A few moments later it comes back and starts throwing things at him. (Rocks, tires...anything it gets its hands on). Jessica hears Leighton calling for her and looks outside to see him standing in front of the precinct all bloody and banged up. He starts walking toward the doors when the squatch appears and grabs him and runs away.
They start hearing noises coming from the building. Jessica gets grabbed from the room by the Sasquatch. He drops her outside and starts sniffing her when Amy, the secretary at the precinct, comes out and throws a knife at it. She starts kicking it (Little chick has some mad squabbles...even it looked totally fake) and fighting it off with a police shield. He throws the shield aside and knocks her to the ground when Ryan comes out and shoots at it and they all run back inside. They decide to let Drake out so he can help them get out because he knows more about the Sasquatch.
They go into the evidence room in the basement to get weapons to arm themselves with in case they run into the Sasquatch. The two nerdy fucks run into the Sasquatch and start spazzing out when he kills the chubby one (Thank god he died! Ughh he was soo annoying). The other one tries to run but he impales him with a sign. Just then he sees Drake through the window and charges through the doors to get to him. Everyone is trying to fight him off with the weapons they got. The squatch gets stabbed and it slows him down enough for everyone to run. The Sasquatch leaves the precinct and Drake tells them that he is going to hide the bodies of the people he killed so no one knows anything is wrong. Ryan goes out to distract the Sasquatch while everyone escapes through a window and runs into an underground tunnel. He finally finds Drake and tries to attack him but he stabs it and gets away. The collector that Drake called arrives and exclaims that they've made a mess of everything.
Krystal and Jessica get out of the tunnel when Talon appears and stabs Krystal and kidnaps Jessica. He ties her to a chair in the abandoned warehouse and tells her that he was the one who killed her mother. Jessica's father appears and starts to fight Talon. Jessica uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes to free herself. Talon comes at her and she stabs him in the stomach. Drake runs past with the Sasquatch close behind. He stops when he sees Talon and breaks his neck and runs after Drake. The squatch finds them in a room but before he can attack, the collector shows up shoots it with a bow thinger. Jessica asks who he is and just as he's telling them he's their savior, the Sasquatch kills the collector. Drake starts running and the Sasquatch follows him. They start fighting and Drake shoots him with a nail gun several times. He then grabs a chain saw but the Sasquatch knocks it out of his hands. The Sasquatch presses a button and something falls from the ceiling and crushes Drake. Drake flips off the squatch and it rips off his middle finger and puts it on his necklace (Yes, Sasquatch was wearing jewelry). He leaves the room and sees Ryan, Krystal, and Jessica and then...
OH NO!! And then what?? Hop on over to Netflix and watch Assault of the Sasquatch and find out! Now, lets hear what I have to say huh??? Where do I begin??? This movie was sooo cheesy and so over the top. Seriously! It was a total campy B movie and it shows. Some of the scenes looked like they were shot with someone’s home video recorder. For real! The acting was horrible and over done. And Sasquatch had long hair and...a necklace?? Really? I highly doubt if you find a squatch in the woods it will be wearing jewelry. That was just strange. And Don and Murph ( I'm a sexy bitch Murph...look at me!!) were horribly annoying but definitely added comedy to the mix. I laughed and cringed every time I saw them. A part of me wanted them to shut up and die, but another part was like HA! THEY'RE FUNNY! The chubby one was just soo over the top and always freaking out. It was hilarious! But I must say, when they got offed, I was sort of relieved
Overall I'd give Assault of the Sasquatch a 2.5 out of 5. It really wasn't that great at all. I mean, parts of it were definitely entertaining. It had that sort of tongue in cheek quality you see in a lot of campy B movies. There was a brief boob flash, and a decent amount of blood, and a chick with no legs crawling from the tunnel, which was cool. I don't think I'd watch it again though. It's OK once, but anything more than that would be borderline torture! So, that's that. Now how about you go check out Zane's list of the best man vs. beast movies!! He likes it when you check out his stuff!
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| Sasha 'The Chambermaid' Slaughter |
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